update

writing after a while.

one of the most difficult things to deal with in life is uncertainty. at least one can say, we all sometime in the growing up process realize that we do not like such phenomena.... we try to avoid facing it as hard as we can.

well my life right now has many of it.

have completed sending all the required doctuments, even my application fee was so far waived at UW and UT austin.... TAMU hasnt updated its website yet but should soon.

I do not know where I will get accepted. I am expecting this semester to be a good one, Inshallah the best one in college so far. I will try my best to get a 4.0. TAMU gives the chance to re-evaluate the decision based on the transcript after spring semester, so I am hopeful I will get in. And even if I do, the financial issue comes up. I do not know if I will get as much financial aid I receive from tech anywhere else. Even though it is federal aid, the amount varies by every institution. Of course, Tech is cheaper than any other university out there... still one of the best in texas... second biggest campus in the country maybe in the world too. And they are improving the rawls college of business, expanding it with new building and more number of students... will make it harder to get in and so on.

Then I am not sure what to do in the summer.... should I stay here or can I cancel housing for summer and go to houston take classes at community college and save money. This decision will depend on whether or not I transfer. After all, I do want to improve my gpa here. And if I take classes outside, the tech gpa wont be affected.

Job... I feel so not interested at looking for work for some reason. I am glad that I am serious about doing well in school right now, and telling myself that there is no excuse to not to do well. I have support from people who I consider family, I like it, it is comforting. On the other hand, I have more time to study and spend time with friends. I think what I consider most seriously considering is getting a accounting degree from a great institution, a great gpa followed by a great job so that I can support who have supported me for such a long time. Ammu wants to visit bangladesh in the summer, so I know i have to get a job whether in here or houston.

Again, anyone can see how much uncertainty I am facing right now. It sucks.

Meanwhile, I had posted a youtube video featuring a song called praan on my facebook wall a few days ago. When I first heard the song in my mis class I could not tell it was bengali... well it was hard to hear the words clearly as people were laughing at matts dancing. and the fact that a bengali song was played in front such a big audience, may had blocked the thought in my head that it could actually be a bangla song. so even when i came back home and listened to it... it tuck in my mind really hard that it was bangla... but it sounded like some different accent or dialect. i started researching then i saw wow the lyrics was from tagore and it was bangla... sposhto bangla. I still could not understand the words in the song. I was shocked. I found a video containing the bangla lyrics.... and only when i was reading the lyrics I became able to understand the singers words. I was even more shocked this time. Maybe I got into a denial that it wasnt my fault.. the singer was raised here, certainly she has an accent. Also, she may have done so, or sung in a western way because of she thought the significance of the song would be. Regardless of any excuses, something is wrong with me. I told my sister what happened and she said.. interesting. She was surprised that i didnt realize that it was bangla on my first listen. The singer may have an accent but as I saw her youtube account, she has experience and she has clear pronunciation. Wow, the dictionary in this browser just taught me how to spell pronunciation.. before i thought it was pronounciation not pronunciation. anyway good thing i know it now. I feel even dumber. I just cannot believe that I cannot recognize my native language while hearing it among such a big audience, to whom it is a foreign language. Of course, tagore's words are one of the most difficult words in the bengali dictionary, I did understand when the singer said bhulbona shohojete... praan some specific words but still.. it is embarrassing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGuDO7FfDWQ

jokhon nijhum ratey
shob kichu chup
nishpran nogorite
jijhirao ghum

ami chader alo hoye
tomar kalo ghore
jegey roi shara nishir
etota bhalobashi
etota bhalobashi

eki oporup shundorta ar shopner borsha ratey
ami bhije bhije mori miche
mogno probhate dekhi bhishon ondhokarer
majhe alo chayai taar nupur baaje
ami je bhebe bhebe shihorito

ami shurjor alo hoye tomar cholar pothe
chaya hoye tomai dekhi
etota bhalobashi...
etota bhalobashi...

memory gaps

sometimes I look back, as an example right now I am looking back 2.5 yrs ago and what I feel is shock. I lived one day at a time.... I see pictures of mine in my email and I wonder what was I doing. Sure I was developing both mind and body wise, sure all the hormones in my body wanted me to be noticed... sure only by one person but there is no excuse for such behavior. Everything that I did, I did by having her in my mind I fear not to say it But I don't think I was thinking whether it would do good to her psychologically or bad.. and as I look at the butterfly effect that all those deeds did, I see that I pushed her away.... things were not supposed to go in that way.
Maybe I knew what was coming, maybe I did everything in fear of pushing her away by not moving close to her. But what I did was wrong. There are moments that we had together.. those moments that were shared are the ones I only think about when it comes to having a positive self esteem.... not the moments I spent alone... thinking that I was monitored in some way... thinking that.... well jai hok. Now I now I have some answers... now I do. Now I can blame myself even more and can realize that what I am doing right now... maybe I am doing it right.. maybe I have grown up and it all started when she saw me in person... and that's what I need.

too much thoughts in my head. cant ignore it cant fall asleep my brain is all alert... so are my eyes, they are not closing.

i recall having dreams to move to minnesota when i moved to states having dreams of applying at the best colleges in the country.
but as i was getting close to graduation i saw all these people who were better than me or as good as i am applying at or getting into not so good colleges. many reasons, they werent getting scholarships or werent eligible for financial aid.
then came the realization that with my family in texas... not even the whole family... my sisters engagement happened, abbu was in bangladesh for months, i cant even remember if abbu went to bd first or ammu.. i guess ammu. but the point is i was so busy with school and work and accomplishing that goal i had... to visit saquiah even though i was slowly realizing moving to mn wouldnt happen.... moving to canada like i had planned years ago couldnt happen either. it was sad but i had to embrace all that i was given because things started to get more and more worse. my sisters engagement.... all of her dreams broke into pieces.... i knew my family didnt need me to help them get out of it.. there was nothing i could do... i was the youngest person and i was the one to be taken care of to be honest. none of my siblings went through that same hardship at my age. i wanted to relieve my parents so that they would not have to worry about what i am eating what i am doing how i am doing on a everyday hour to hour basis....it was time for them to let go, let me grow up on my own.
saqu on the other hand, i dont think there was any way to explain to her why i wasnt making promises regardless of her ignoring me. it hurts... it hurt me again and again but i knew she was hurt too. i was done feeling like i was being tested...because in some ways i had failed those tests.....maybe my failures were result of lack of communication or miscommunication or expectations from her that were certainly not met. me applying to texas universities and not moving to somewhere close.... there was no tiny hope for me to do it. we as a family were broke.... as i said abbu was in bd and he went through his savings i dont think he has any left to pay for the rents... nd ammu wasnt working. my car needed repair every now and then and so did his. even though things are a lot better now.... i am afraid of another failure from me
this is a process.... i have been trying to make it go faster since i got into college but now i care more about going through it successfully rather than worrying about being late all the time. i believe in saqu and i hope she is doing well in her life and i would hope her to stay well because inshallah this process will soon bring us together.

what I meant in the prev post about being settled here is that..
my sis wants me to apply at A&M and UH. I know I will get accepted however Tech is better than UH and I don't want to move to any texas schools.. even not UT because I like it here now. UW..... I am not confident about the scholarships I may get as a non-resident of washington student... there is hardly any for non resident students. I will still want to visit seattle in january to do the best i can.. talk to advisors and financial aid advisor as well and see what they say. my current sem is not going to well... i thought i planned it well, but apparently not, what i have realized is that in college is better to pack classes that are less times a week... and on tuesdays and thursdays only. some classes i am willing to take are 3 hours long and once a week. that would give me more time to study for and i dont have to get ready everytime for classes. dumb bio lab is 3 hrs long... that pisses me off. i had chances to make a B but now even that seems unlikely. and I am thinking about taking business classes right now, only business classes untl i get my gpa straight. i am not sure about pharmacy for that reason as well as because... i admire the career and helping people.. its an ideal job and pharmacists are well respected. pharmd is a doctoral degree so yeah. but that job will not have as much versatility... or chances of getting promoted to a district pharm manager without having a long experience in the field or a bba or mba. i can work on bba.. then mba and get cpa... and make more than i could make being a pharmacist, without being in school for so long. well about the same time, but science classes, for me, i can do well on those if i take less hours at a time. anyway i need to put my focus right now to get my gpa improved... taking hist II online coz i sucked at hist 1.. and even though i made an easy A on goverment slash poli sci... yet taking poli sci II online because it will be very easy and i can get ahead by taking 18 hrs.

so this is how it should go from now

spring 10

tech
managerial acc
business law
intermediate macroeconomics
isqs

hssc online
hist II
poli sci II.

and do my best to get through this semester... not gonna take prepharm class for now.

try to transfer to UW or UT, although I am settled in lubbock and like it here. my business classes gpa is pretty good too, so idk. at least I have a good friend here, valentine. job... i am a CPhT now so should get promoted soon and make more money in less hours.. this will help me get a job at any pharmacy in the country.

sometimes I don't know what's coming at me.. sometimes I just have to believe it more that believing in myself is not an option. people who care about me may try to help me in different ways. and in the end of the day, what is fair and what is not lies mostly on how they have helped me... with or without helping their selves.
if I am good for them... they should help themselves first. because anything can happen anytime. as i close my eyes on bed, i don't know if i will wake up in the morning or not. i don't know anything until it does not or does happen.
so if i am good for them, they should think about themselves first. because that would lead them to a better understanding of me... who i am what i want and how i want myself to be. that would be the best way to help me after all... because i do not want to go away from them, ignore them, walk away, or block them from coming closer... even through my eyes.
when she saw me last summer, i wish i could ask her what she saw in my eyes...
guilt
fear
admiration
belonging
care
attraction
obesession
truth
love
..... they were all there.. inside me, and i didn't try to hide them.

every time i think about what i saw...
i did see anger
i did see guilt
and to mention one more, something greater than likeness.. or attraction. maybe love.. it was love years ago that's for sure.